Wanted: A Suitable Prime Minister for India
By Rakesh Raman
India is a rapidly growing country. You can have the idea of its growth from the growing number of people here – 1.3 billion and still growing. Likewise, the stray cattle population on our roads is growing faster than the human population.
Also, the number of protesters on Indian streets is increasing at a phenomenal pace, and, therefore, the sale of candles is going up proportionately.
If that’s not enough, look at the gravity-defying wealth of our politicians. Even secret foreign banks are finding it difficult to accommodate money multiplying at this great scale.
We, in India, are so overwhelmed with this stupendous growth that now we want a suitable Prime Minister who could keep this growth within normal limits.
You are eligible to become the Prime Minister if you fulfil the following conditions:
1. You should not belong to any political party because we have burned our fingers with all of them. However, it’s okay if you belong to a circus group.
2. You may or may not be educated. But you should be able to use your brain and think occasionally at least. We won’t encourage applicants with any Ph. D. or doctorate degree because we had a bad experience with such people during the past 10 years.
3. You will not make any false statements. For example, if you have been tolerating terrorism for years and you are ready to tolerate it in future also, you need not say that you won’t tolerate terrorism after every terror incident. You should be bold enough to say that you are born to bear terrorism.
4. You will not keep running here and there on foreign trips and waste hundreds of millions of public money in the name of improving foreign relations. After all, money doesn’t grow on trees. If interaction with others is so important, you will use videoconferencing instead of traveling with all your paraphernalia.
5. Like a snake charmer tames a venomous snake, you should be able to tame all the bureaucrats here instead of joining hands with them because they’re cunningly responsible for the strange growth mentioned above – including the growth in their personal wealth.
6. You will stop taking any tax from public or businesses because this money is usually used to run shady government outfits that don’t have any accountability. Similarly, this tax money that public earns with their hard work is used to make roads and bridges that crumble during every rainy season.
7. Ideally, you should have sufficient knowledge about the subjects on which you have to speak so that you could say everything in an extempore manner. Otherwise, you should be able to cram what you have to say because it doesn’t look nice to read from already written papers – which every Tom, Dick, and Harry can do.
8. If you fall sick, you will get your treatment here only from Indian hospitals instead of going abroad. Yes, there is a certain risk keeping in view the quality of service in our hospitals. But if millions others take this risk everyday, why can’t you?
9. If you or any of your colleagues are caught in a corruption case, you will not set up any committee or jury to investigate the case because here all humans are corruptible. Instead, you will create a team of robots equipped with Artificial Intelligence (AI) to catch and punish the guilty.
10. You will not wear white or light-colored khadi clothes because it’s commonly seen that those who wear white clothes and clean caps and turbans usually commit black deeds.
Now if you fit the bill, you can apply immediately. Please note that if we’re not able to select a suitable candidate for the full-time job, we may appoint a trainee Prime Minister for the time being.
If you want to know more about this position, you can leave your comments in the area provided below. We will try to respond at our normal pace.